Remember how, a bunch of days ago, I was like, "Oh, woe is me. I can't follow through on commitments." Welcome to a month of blogging where I've managed to hit day #1....and day #10. Oh well, an effort is an effort, right?
I'm really enjoying reading what you all have to say - introspection, skeletons in or out of the closet, all the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is slowly but surely reminding me of what I loved in Xangaland the first time around: a community of safety, trust, and mutual goodwill with the pleasure of relative anonymity. Because, my friends, there are other people in the world I could not say this to:
Lesbian sex is AWESOME.
There. I said it.
Yes, there are societal and personal shifts in perspective that go along with this journey. Yes, my heart breaks when I think about the husband I had to leave behind to figure that out. And yes, this is about so much more than just the physical.
That doesn't change my truth: it's awesome.
I've had sex with three men that I loved very, very much, and I will never regret that, ever. I was in long-term relationships with all three - married to one - and it's clear to me now that the physical side of each of those relationships was borne of deep love, which can inspire passion. But, friends, I had no idea what I was missing.
I also consider myself lucky that, for some reason, I've never been interested in casual sex. I thought I'd give that a shot this time around, when I found myself very interested in this beautiful lady. "Hey, maybe I just need a fling and can stay interested in being married." .....Nope. What'd I do? Fall in the love with the woman and slowly end the marriage, that's what. So with that in mind, I recognize that perhaps my lack of experience led to this epiphany:
Did you know that, with really great sex, it's actually enjoyable to go for hours and hours?
I know, it's the craziest thing. I've never been interested in more than MAYBE an hour, at the outside, with any of the men I was with. Not to mention the physiology is different but I did get bored. This is not a judgment on any of their skills, all of which were exactly what they should be. Very goal-focused, which I think is probably an unavoidable characteristic of sex with a man: there is, indeed, a goal, and just one at that. That's not the case with two women. There are highs and lows, dips and curves, sighs and words - and when every ounce is spent, we both just know.
When I was in high school and met my first lesbian, I wondered what every naive 14-year-old girl probably wonders: how is it really sex if there's no "insertion"? I would like to say to that young girl.....oh, honey. Oh, sweetie pie. Don't be so concerned with the status quo you've already learned to strive toward. It's sex because it's love, because there are moments of passion that you've never dreamed of, because the beauty of this woman and the reactions she can cause are beyond toe-curling.
There's so, so much more to this journey: the permission to be truly happy. Joy from every corner of life, and the payoff of taking big risks. The lesson that I'm not into casual sex and will find myself in love with the right person every time - and that there is, unquestionably, some force leading this little life. I'll get to those blog entries, I will.
Right now, though, I'm going to go crawl back in bed with a beautiful woman. The way she moves against me when I cuddle up next to her will guarantee I'll be late for work.